The fight

As a beautiful brown queen I'm not naive enough to believe that you are not threaten by the power of my young gifted mind. You look at me and my brothers and see a race filled with so much beauty and smarts, you can't help but destroy the whole race. It's sad how some people of your culture don't see the beauty and intelligent  African-American standing in of you, instead they see monsters and animals. It's sad how the men with skin like mines are being destroyed so rapidly you would think they are on the blink of extinction. It's sad how an unarmed black man is shot over 50 times the day before he was suppose to marry his queen. Or how a young man in a hoodie with a bag of candy and a juice is such a threat he lose his life and for what price. I can't breath when I think about the man who lose his life over loose squares and for breaking up a fight. I just have to hold my hands up when I think about the man that lose his life over who was right. I cant help but hold my chest when I think about the man who lost life because his neighbor just knew he was right. Even though I have my own fight I can't help but be sad and sympathize with my brothers plight. Because at the end of the night when there is no light I can help but cry over my son and his fight.

Dear God

I'm a ship sailing at night looking for the lighthouse, There is fog everywhere. Do I go left or right? So much confusion and chaos. There is a storm raging in the background and I'm lost. Can you save me from the storm? I just want to let everything go and just live. I just want to be happy. I have so much joy in my life but I'm trapped in the fog. God, please rescue me from this storm. Guide me to the path you want me to follow. Heal my heart and make me whole again. I'm so angry and sad all the time. Oh God, I can't see past the fog. I turned my back on you a long time ago because I couldn't understand how you could let so much darkness plagued my life. You took the one person whom I loved more then life itself away from me slowly at first and then all at once. I'd give anything just to see and talk to her again. I know you have a plan for me but I can't see pass the fog. Please God clear the fog from my life and fill it with clarity and peace. I want to come in from the storm. I have strayed too long and I'm ready to come home.

Baggage

To whom it may concern,

Sometime I feel like a bag lady I carry around so much hurt and anger. My biggest piece of baggage is you and the fact that you wasn't there.  Growing up without a father left me with a voided no one was ever able to feel. I have felt incomplete like something is missing. Do you know how it feel to not know who you are? I can't help but feel that life would had turned out  a lot differently if you were here. When I watch my kids with there dad I can't help but feel sadness because I didn't have anyone to protect me like he do with them. The way he go out his way to make sure our daughter is told she is beautiful and loved pull at my heart strings and intensity my anger for you. The baggage you left me with  is heavy and very hard to carry. I have tried so many time to walk away from the hurt. I have tired so many times to forget about you but I can't, for whatever reason I have a desire to find you and just ask why? Why wasn't I  a good enough reason for you to stay? Why didn't you want to know me and be a part of my life? How could you knowingly walk away? What was more important then your first born? Every time I say I'm done and i'm going to let go I find myself standing in line at the carousel with tears in my eyes waiting to claim the big baggage with the lock and no key.


                                                                                                                                      Sincely,
                                                                                                                             The lock without a key

How do I let go?

It took me a long time to get back to writing. That last blog took a lot out of me. I took me on an emotional journey that left me feeling sad, empty, and lost. It's funny how you think you are over something and you are "fine" but the moment you start being honest with your self is moment that you realize "fine" is the last thing you are. How do you get over the hurt from your past? How do you stop the voice that tell you, that night was all your fault? How do you deal with the fact someone took something from that wasn't their to have in the first place? How do you be happy? I find myself questioning my worth. I am worthy of love and a family when I am so damaged? I go through life with this brave face on. I smile and laugh and appear to be happy. But the truth is I'm dying on the inside. There is so much pain and hurt where there should be happiness and joy. Even when I supposed to be happy I'm sad. I'm still that innocent little girl, I'm still that freshman in high school, and I'm still that teenager in the back of that car. I have grown and learned different lessons in life but I'm still haven't healed. I'm still carrying that pain and sometime I feel like I'm drowning. No matter how many times I tried to move on I'm still stuck in those moments. I never shared my story before now because I never wanted to be victim but the truth is I can't faced the little girl and teenager that lives within. I don't know how to help her heal. I don't know how to take away her pain. I'm stuck in this moment because I don't know how to let go. How do I let go?