The fight

As a beautiful brown queen I'm not naive enough to believe that you are not threaten by the power of my young gifted mind. You look at me and my brothers and see a race filled with so much beauty and smarts, you can't help but destroy the whole race. It's sad how some people of your culture don't see the beauty and intelligent  African-American standing in of you, instead they see monsters and animals. It's sad how the men with skin like mines are being destroyed so rapidly you would think they are on the blink of extinction. It's sad how an unarmed black man is shot over 50 times the day before he was suppose to marry his queen. Or how a young man in a hoodie with a bag of candy and a juice is such a threat he lose his life and for what price. I can't breath when I think about the man who lose his life over loose squares and for breaking up a fight. I just have to hold my hands up when I think about the man that lose his life over who was right. I cant help but hold my chest when I think about the man who lost life because his neighbor just knew he was right. Even though I have my own fight I can't help but be sad and sympathize with my brothers plight. Because at the end of the night when there is no light I can help but cry over my son and his fight.

Dear God

I'm a ship sailing at night looking for the lighthouse, There is fog everywhere. Do I go left or right? So much confusion and chaos. There is a storm raging in the background and I'm lost. Can you save me from the storm? I just want to let everything go and just live. I just want to be happy. I have so much joy in my life but I'm trapped in the fog. God, please rescue me from this storm. Guide me to the path you want me to follow. Heal my heart and make me whole again. I'm so angry and sad all the time. Oh God, I can't see past the fog. I turned my back on you a long time ago because I couldn't understand how you could let so much darkness plagued my life. You took the one person whom I loved more then life itself away from me slowly at first and then all at once. I'd give anything just to see and talk to her again. I know you have a plan for me but I can't see pass the fog. Please God clear the fog from my life and fill it with clarity and peace. I want to come in from the storm. I have strayed too long and I'm ready to come home.

Baggage

To whom it may concern,

Sometime I feel like a bag lady I carry around so much hurt and anger. My biggest piece of baggage is you and the fact that you wasn't there.  Growing up without a father left me with a voided no one was ever able to feel. I have felt incomplete like something is missing. Do you know how it feel to not know who you are? I can't help but feel that life would had turned out  a lot differently if you were here. When I watch my kids with there dad I can't help but feel sadness because I didn't have anyone to protect me like he do with them. The way he go out his way to make sure our daughter is told she is beautiful and loved pull at my heart strings and intensity my anger for you. The baggage you left me with  is heavy and very hard to carry. I have tried so many time to walk away from the hurt. I have tired so many times to forget about you but I can't, for whatever reason I have a desire to find you and just ask why? Why wasn't I  a good enough reason for you to stay? Why didn't you want to know me and be a part of my life? How could you knowingly walk away? What was more important then your first born? Every time I say I'm done and i'm going to let go I find myself standing in line at the carousel with tears in my eyes waiting to claim the big baggage with the lock and no key.


                                                                                                                                      Sincely,
                                                                                                                             The lock without a key

How do I let go?

It took me a long time to get back to writing. That last blog took a lot out of me. I took me on an emotional journey that left me feeling sad, empty, and lost. It's funny how you think you are over something and you are "fine" but the moment you start being honest with your self is moment that you realize "fine" is the last thing you are. How do you get over the hurt from your past? How do you stop the voice that tell you, that night was all your fault? How do you deal with the fact someone took something from that wasn't their to have in the first place? How do you be happy? I find myself questioning my worth. I am worthy of love and a family when I am so damaged? I go through life with this brave face on. I smile and laugh and appear to be happy. But the truth is I'm dying on the inside. There is so much pain and hurt where there should be happiness and joy. Even when I supposed to be happy I'm sad. I'm still that innocent little girl, I'm still that freshman in high school, and I'm still that teenager in the back of that car. I have grown and learned different lessons in life but I'm still haven't healed. I'm still carrying that pain and sometime I feel like I'm drowning. No matter how many times I tried to move on I'm still stuck in those moments. I never shared my story before now because I never wanted to be victim but the truth is I can't faced the little girl and teenager that lives within. I don't know how to help her heal. I don't know how to take away her pain. I'm stuck in this moment because I don't know how to let go. How do I let go?

The darkness

Hands roaming, I hear voices, I going in and out of darkness." Please stop, I don't want to be here." "Please just take me home." In the darkness I start to cry. In darkness I ask myself how did I get to this place. What started as a night of fun turned into a nightmare. I was with someone I trusted who in turn, left me someone who they turned to escort me home. She was too drunk to drive and I was to drunk to think straight. We both thought I was in good hands. As we started on the journey to my home I backed out. But I remember the voices and touches. You see he was with a friend and they took turns, as I laid in a state of darkness. I feel a string across my face. "Yeah, bitch you know you like it." "Please God, save me." I don't know how long it lasted but when I came out of the darkness to voice "let's just dumped this bitch on the side of the road." "Please, don't I just want to go home." Car stop the door open. "Wait my friend live down the street just drop me off at the Wendy." I called my friend who just so happen to still be up. They left with my hurt and pain and a dark secret. My friend save my life that and they don't even know. When that gold Acura pulled up I knew I was safe. I never told a soul not even my friend. For many years I carried around this hurt. How could I be so stupid? The sad part is that wasn't the first someone used me as there own personal play toy. I don't know how to move on from this. It still hurts to think about. I have been raped, abused by people I have love or trusted. How do you get over the pain? I am stuck in darkness, please God save my soul. Please God deliver me from the darkness.

Love vs the idea of love

        Love is a funny thing yet we all seek it, but are we chasing love or the idea of love? We all have the idea of the perfect love. For me it was the prince charming that I read about in fairy tales, you know the knight in the shining armor who saves the beautiful princess from all of the wickedness in her life. The prince you fall in love with on sight. I have always sought that sweep you off your feet, heart skip a beat kind of love. That I'm just happy to be in the same room with you kinda love. That warm feeling kinda love. That I wanted to jump your bones just because you walked in the room kinda love. I have three men in my young lifetime. My first love was a dysfunctional type of love. We were both young and immature. But at the time all I could see was the man I loved. He put me through so much and like a fool I took all of his crap and then some. I made myself believe he loved me even though he was cheating on me with everything that had a pulse. He was my Jody. We had a baby boy type of love. I knew about his hoes but I allowed myself to believe that all men cheat and I was his main and the only one he loved and he was just fucking them hoes. Looking back I don't know why I put up with all that drama, hoe, and lies. With him I was in love with the idea of love. He was the first person to ever say the words, I didn't get to hear that often. He was so sweet when it was just us. On our good days we were inseparable.  No matter what he did I always went back even when we wasn't together but the finally straw was the lost that I suffered all alone while he started a family. The second man I ever loved started off as a friend. He was my shoulder when I need to cry. My ears when I need to vent. He was the last person I talked to at night the first on my mind the next morning. He was my light in the darkness. He was there through all the drama my first love put me through. He was the one who helped me pick up the pieces. It funny how he was his best friend and my escape at the same time. I fell in love with him as friend. At the time he was in a relationship and  despite what everyone thought I respected his relationship and all I wanted was my friend. But somehow that changed one day. I just woke up and realized I was falling for my friend. Maybe it was the last night conversations or the way he made me feel when we were in the same room. So when the time I told him how I felt and we crossed that proverbial line, everything seemed was perfect at the time. I just knew we were going to have that "Brown Sugar" type of love. All that changed the night I saw him kissing on his ex girlfriend. That cut me deep. I had never been more heartbroken. The part that hurt more then anything was the fact that he just let me leave. He didn't fight for me. Three years of friendship threw away from a two month relationship. Looking back that was my first true heartbreak. I lost my best friend. We tried to remain friends but in the end I couldn't get over the hurt. The third man I have ever loved is the man who swept me off my feet. He came into my life at time when I had given up on love. He was my knight in shinning armor. We met at a time when I was mending my broken heart and he was looking for an escape from a relationship he had long out grew. He came into my life at the time I needed him the most. He loved me beyond all the hurt. He put up with insecurities, my lack of trust, and all my fears. I tried to push him away many times because I was scared to love again but he stood right there. He gave so much of himself to me. He took the immature teenager I was and helped me become the woman that is writing this post. He has taught me so much about myself. Even though we don't always get along. I love him beyond words because he loved the little damaged girl inside of me. You see the relationship I had before him had to fail in order for me to get to this place and even if it don't last forever at least I can say I know the different between love and the idea of love.

Saving Grace

 I’m on a journey to self-discovery. One might ask how you lose yourself or never know who you are from the beginning? My answer to that question runs a little deep. You see when you are young life is a mystery, the sky is the limit. When you are young you are still innocent and blinded by the fantasy of life instead of the reality.  You see the world through rose color glasses. As a child all I wanted to be was lawyer. I wanted to fight for the victims who couldn’t fight for themselves. I wanted to be that saving grace to the child who was suffering in darkness. For the child who cries when no one is looking. The child who grew up without a father and no one to guide or love her. I wanted to be the voice that uplifted and empowered the young African American’s mind. I wanted to be a beacon of hope for the hopeless.  I wanted to be great and live a legacy behind. I wanted the world to be a better person just because I was a part of it. But somehow between now and then I lost my way. I lost me. I got so caught up with love, being a wife and mother I lost the woman that I wanted to be. I let so many obstacles stand in my way. So many bad decisions, so much hurt. There are some things in life that I just can’t get over.  I don’t know who I am because a part of me is missing. Growing up without a father left me with an emptiness that nothing can fill. I feel like how can I know me when I don’t know where I come from. I grew up without the unconditional love of a mother or father.  I have shed so many tears in the dark. Maybe once I let go I can find me, maybe I need help, or maybe I will always be this way. Come on this journey with me.